Normalise "Not Wanting to Talk About Something"


Let's normalise not wanting to share about something?


I believe most people have topics they refuse to talk about, from small personal choices to past traumatic experiences. Not that it is a secret, it's more on "I don't feel like sharing". For me, I don't always update my social media accounts, someone actually said I kept my life secretive. Huh... but wait, that's not my intention. 

For this blog, we will progress from the easier-to-share to the harder-to-share. 


Dear Diary, v.s. Dear Friend, 

Your thoughts, ideas and memories belong to you. Yes, you have the right to share, but likewise, you have the right to keep it to yourself. Some preferred to share every little moment on social media, others rather record it in a diary. There isn't a right or wrong preference. 

Not everything has to be shared, even if it's totally shareable, for instance, the music I'm listening to at the moment. Sometimes I'd just want to hang out with myself - feel my feelings, enjoy my daydreams, let my positive thoughts inspire myself, and even let my negative thoughts take over my rational mind. 


Why Do We Share?

Let's move on from posting on socials, how about sharing your life, thoughts, ideas, memories, current difficulties with people around you? Why do we sometimes share the not-that-good-looking side of life with others? 

For example, why do we sometimes complain about our life, job, school to others? 

1. To hear some advice? 

2. To get reconfirmation? 

3. To load down some of our burdens?

4. To feel better about ourselves?

5. Wants to know that others have similar experiences?

Then, what are the responses we usually get in return? 

1. Advice? 

2. Reconfirmation?

3. Feeling of relief, and comfort?

4. Better confidence?

5. The hard-to-swallow pill / the cold hard fact?

Not sure about anyone else, but sometimes I feel the response I got from others aren't what I need, or perhaps, not what I want. If I'm the person who truly understands my needs and wants, why don't I have this internal conversation when I feel I'm ready? Why do I have to make people say the words I desire, or otherwise, force myself to receive the response I yet to be able to brace? 

Just like, have you ever received a present but you don't feel you really vibe with? It's so hard for others to really get you a perfect gift because no matter how much they understand you as a friend / partner / family, you're still the one who understands your wish list the most. Hinting others to get you what you want as a gift is... embarrassing (to me); letting others spend time hunting and buying a present that isn't exactly what you need / want is...  a process I think is not necessary. So, why don't I buy my own present, at the right timing?


How About Traumatic Experience?

One of the topics discussed in the Mental Health First Aid workshop I attended last year was traumas. We shared our personal definition of a traumatic experience and turned out, everyone's definition varied in terms of the physiological impacts, emotional aftermaths etc. The take-home point was, "Be respectful". You might not agree entirely with what others claimed as traumatic, you might think that event was not much of a big deal, but for them, it is probably a rough tug of war. 

From my experience, it is harder to share traumatic experiences, compared to the happier moments. It takes more mental strength to process, more effort to relive the moments, even more courage to retell and share the experience.  

It takes time for a wound to heal, it takes time for us to process what we had gone through. It takes time to figure out the tools needed to fight a battle you never fought, it takes time to find a way out for what we're currently facing. Even if you feel lost overcoming the big wave you're dragged in at the moment, do appreciate how hard you are fighting. 

It takes time. And the important thing is, this time frame varies hugely. From person to person. From situation to situation. What we have to note for ourselves is, do allow yourself time, you don't have to rush yourself. Or perhaps, rushing won't always mean you're gonna figure it out sooner. 

After all, if your preferred method of handling traumatic experience is to think things through yourself, and it is not hugely impacting your everyday life (e.g. your academic life, your career, your social life), then do gift yourself a comfortable personal space to do so. You don't necessarily have to share what you are going through, or what you had gone through. If others ask you about it, kindly let them know you need some time to yourself. 


Please Respect One Another 

If you are a friend / partner / family member / loved one who notices that a person you care about is showing signs of not wanting to continue the topic, please kindly give them space. Please do not take it personally, and think you're not trustworthy, or are not giving them a safe haven vibe, or even blame it on yourself and think this was because you didn't do something well enough. Maybe they are in the middle of organising their thoughts, maybe they're not in the mood to talk about it, maybe they simply want to keep it to themselves. It's okay. They would really appreciate your respect. 

Please beware of belittling and gaslighting their experience. Because it is not at all easy to speak up about what they think is traumatic. Ask them what support they would like and let them know that you'll be here to listen patiently.


Wholeheartedly,

The Lights Within 

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