I'm not Perfect, still, I'm Fabulous

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” Sharon Salzberg.

Have you ever felt like you are not good enough and there is always a huge gap between you and the others? Do you feel frustrated and anxious because you think you cannot do things flawlessly? Don't worry, you're not alone: turns out around 85% of all people reported having such thoughts [1]. However, does it really mean we are not good enough? Perhaps, we just underestimate our lights within, and in fact, we are much better than we thought.

“Be patient and loving with yourself. You weren't meant to be your biggest critic, but your biggest fan.” Emily Kinney.

Why do we feel we are not good enough? Am I really not good?

In an experiment I've read before, an artist asked a group of participants to describe their facial features. Most participants tended to point out the features they are not satisfied with, such as “my eyes are too small”, “I have wrinkles on my cheek”. Afterwards, the artist showed the portraits of participants to a new person and asked that person to match the portraits with the participants. The results tell us that it was actually the beautiful features that helped them to successfully match up the participants, for example, “She has a contagious smile”.

We are skilled at picking up the goods in others, whereas... being too harsh to ourselves. We tend to exaggerate our flaws and weaknesses and oversee our beauty and strengths. 

I believe everyone is not new to this phrase: “Everyone is unique and special”. But why is that? Because of how good we are? Well, not exactly. By contrast, both our strengths and weaknesses together shape us to be the most unique star in the sky. We are lovable, admirable and worthy not simply because of what we can achieve, but also because of our imperfections. 

Perfectionism could actually make your life less perfect

Perfectionism - we think there is a need to appear to be perfect and flawless. But the downside is, it often accompanied by inner critic and caring too much about other people's evaluations [2]. Which is, when we are too worried about our own performance and cannot truly embrace ourselves. In the end, perfectionism might lead us to some less desirable places - depression, anxiety, OCD, etc [3]. 

If we are given only 5 seconds and have to think of a person who is perfect, it doesn't sound like an easy task, right? Being perfect is, I'd say, impossible, even superheroes aren't perfect, they faced failure and self-inadequacy sometimes. 

If you think being perfect is important, then let's try thinking from the other side: are making mistakes and admitting you cannot do it always that bad? Oftentimes, it is actually the mistakes that let you grow up! Everyone makes mistakes and everyone is growing up from this way. Maybe we can try to regard our flaws as an invisible tutor-friend who is not here to judge us, but help us to become better and stronger.

Accepting yourself as a whole is the precondition to keep moving on

We all want is to keep going forward smoothly, however, understanding and accepting yourself is always the prerequisite. Accepting yourself means we acknowledge our goods and not-that-good pieces, especially to reconcile with our imperfections. 

It's okay to aim high, for high expectations often motivate us. But there are two questions we need to keep in mind: 1. Are these goals achievable and realistic? 2. Are they going to make us feel rewarding and it is good for our mental health? 

While chasing our dreams and reaching our goals, please never forget to take care of yourself, too. Life is a colourful journey with trillions of discovery and explorations on the way, surely we want to know who we are and where we want to go, but don't forget we have to know how to protect ourselves as well. In this way, we would not be too hurtful even if we meet up with prickly cactus. 

If at any point you are followed by the shadow of the urge to be perfect and feel like you are not good enough, may you have a pause. Give yourself some time to re-recognise yourself. Think about both your strengths and weaknesses and tell yourself that it is actually because of all these features, you are the most special person in this world. You could be are fragile sometimes but that's okay you are still strong; you feel panic sometimes but that's fine too, you can be brave again; you might feel sad at this moment but tomorrow will be another wonderful day. Before you stand up and restart your journey, please kindly hug yourself and say, “That's okay, I am good enough”.

Wholeheartedly,

The Lights Within

Finding help:

Lifeline: Call 13 11 14

Sane: Call 1800 18 7263

Sources:

[1] Zahn, R., Lythe, K., Gethin, J., Green, S., Deakin, J., Young, A., & Moll, J. (2015). The role of self-blame and worthlessness in the psychopathology of major depressive disorder. Journal of Affective Disorders, 186, 337–341. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2015.08.001


[2] Ruggeri, A. (2018). Many of us believe perfectionism is a positive. But researchers are finding that it is nothing short of dangerous, leading to a long list of health problems – and that it’s on the rise. BBC future. Retrieved from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20180219-toxic-perfectionism-is-on-the-rise


[3] Curran.T., & Pill, A. P. (2018). Perfectionism Is increasing, and that’s not good news. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved from: https://hbr.org/2018/01/perfectionism-is-increasing-and-thats-not-good-news