Jumping Up for Your Apple Tree

There was an adorable brown bear who had never been out of his cave. Although he had so many ideas and plans to explore the world, he had never taken the first step. Every day, he would sit in the corner with dark shadows and wondered, "I want to pick some apples to make my apple pie. Let's go! Oh wait, maybe I shouldn't. I don't believe I can reach that apple hanging high on the tree."; "should I go to the forest dance party? I want to have fun with others! But maybe I shouldn't go, I cannot dance well."; "is it a good idea to call Mr Penguin and have a chat? No, maybe not. I will definitely say something wrong and ruin our relationship." As days went by, the bear was trapped by his thoughts. Although he will eventually figure out that he is capable of doing all these things, he just cannot make the first step. 

Is there such a brown bear inside you as well? Do you often feel that you are trapped by these thoughts and hold back from executing your plans as the brown bear does? If we are to examine the reason, we probably know the answers: low level of confidence, low self-esteem, self-doubt. The follow-up question is: Why? Why do we feel in this way, and why is it so hard for us to get over this kind of feeling? 

Self-esteem is how we perceive the value and capacity of ourselves [1]. This self-evaluation significantly impacts our thoughts, plans as well as our actions. If we do not have faith in ourselves and fail to believe we can achieve great things, then we would not be able to make the most out of our potential, and could even become a procrastinator. The fact is, low self-esteem can turn things into a vicious cycle and impede us from standing up. 

Please take a moment and listen to the voice that comes from the bottom of your heart, "Is that true I can never do it?", "is that apple tree really too tall for the brown bear to reach?" I would highly doubt if you said "yes".

It is undeniable that we cannot achieve everything perfectly and smoothly, as if we have superpowers. But I truly believe most of the plans in your heart are achievable when you set it, you just need the right tools and strategies, plus the attitude of never giving up. 

The feeling of self-denial could be caused by many factors, such as childhood negative experiences, failed previous attempts, unfair judgements from others, and more. If you have any of these experiences that negatively impact your sense of self, that is indeed very common. The research suggested that early negative events can have a far more long-lasting effect on our mental health and behaviour [2]. However, does it mean we shouldn't do anything to resolve it? And how should we positively deal with it?

I think the most important things are to identify the past experiences, accept failures but never deny yourself, start your actions step by step and focus more on your present. 

Identify past experiences

There is an old saying - "if we want to solve a problem, we need to track its root". This is true in some ways. However, we also have to be aware that if we keep looking backwards and recalling those upsetting experiences, again and again, we could neglect the importance of looking forward and miss out the beautiful things that are happening right next to us at the moment. The fact is, we can never change what have already happened, the only thing we can do is to face it, overcome it, instead of escaping it and letting it sneakily control our mind. 

Identifying the problems means we acknowledge and admit to ourselves that, "yes, that experience wasn't pleasant and it hurts me a lot." After that, we have to detach from the feeling, "it has already gone, which means it cannot haunt the present me. I am also trying my best to grow up, so I can do it well next time."

Accept failures but never deny yourself

The feeling of wounded and failure could destroy our confidence as well as stopping us from moving forward. Nonetheless, the point is, no one in this world is freed from making mistakes. We can admit that we did not do well in one specific event or decision, but it doesn't imply that we are not capable of achieving great things in the future; moreover, it doesn't define our self-worth. 

It is vital to correctly identify what "failure" is. We do not only learn from our success, but we also learn from our "failed experiences". Think of those successful people and our favourite superhero characters, all of them must have suffered some failures before achievements. Even though they were frustrated, scared, or even doubted their own value at the moment, they were finally able to stand up and just kept trying their best. In the life journey of yours, it is so crucial to remind yourself "Failure is not the endless darkness, it is the shadow before the light, the darkness before the dawn". 

Start step by step 

There was an experiment investigating how completing smaller sub-goals can motivate people to achieve the ultimate goal. Participants were asked to complete 50 simple math questions, but they were divided into two 2 groups: in Group A - the 50 questions were given in one page; whereas in Group B - the 50 questions were divided into 5 pages. The result clearly showed that Group B completed all questions quicker, and they reported a higher level of enjoyment. The researcher explained that participants in Group B experienced a heightened sense of accomplishment by completing the questions page by page.

In psychology, this phenomenon is introduced as the Small Victories Effect. Every goal can actually be broken down into several tiny parts. By completing these smaller parts step by step, we can easily and continuously gain a sense of achievement, therefore motivates us to reach the final destination. Also, it boosts our confidence by seeing ourselves progress step by step.

Focus on your present 

We often complain that our feeling of incompetence limits our performance. This is because we focus too much on our uncertain feelings, so we have no room to focus on our actual actions. Have you ever had this kind of experience? For example, during an exam, you cannot remember anything but can only hear an inner voice saying that "I cannot do it", "what if I cannot do it well?". You see, if we keep thinking of the negative results, we cannot spare any of our energy or attention to the actual exam questions. I understand it could be really hard to shift attention, especially when we are very nervous. However, it is really worth a try, because it will help you to exceed your potential. When doing a certain task, try to refresh the memory of why you want to do it in the first place and keep going. One day when we have accumulated lots of sense of achievement, we will be able to enjoy more than being panic, and we can shift that vicious cycle to a virtuous cycle. 

The brown bear was still sitting in the corner, thinking about what he could do. One day he had a thought, "Maybe I can just go to check if the apple tree is still too tall for me". The brown bear finally initiated his first step. He walked there and looked up, "Oh, it could be too tall, I cannot make it, as I always thought", he sadly thought to himself. He sat down again under the apple tree and it reminded him of his childhood when he was little and was laughed at by his peers that he could never become a strong bear. 

"But I have grown up a lot!", the brown bear suddenly said it out loud and looked at himself, "I am not that tiny bear anymore!" The brown bear finally decided to give it a try. He looked at the apples on the tree and thought maybe jumping up could help. 

"3, 2, 1!", the brown bear jumped and finally, he picked the first apple in his life. 

Wish you will jump up and get that apple for yourself as well.

Wholeheartedly,

The Lights Within

Finding help:

Lifeline: Call 13 11 14

Related article:

Self-esteem and mental health, by Healthdirect: https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/self-esteem

Sources:

[1]. Abdel-Khalek, A. M. (2016). Introduction to the psychology of self-esteem. In F. Holloway (Eds.), Self-esteem: perspectives, influences and improvement strategies (pp. 1-23). NY: Nova Science Publisher. 

[2]. Chong, C. (2020). Symptoms of low self-esteem and the root causes of it. Lifehack, retrieved from https://www.lifehack.org/565816/low-self-esteem